Espoo – 13/08/23

KFC Review –Sello Shopping Centre, Espoo, Helsinki, Finland – 13/08/23

Summary

Chicken           8/20

Sides                2/10

Service            5/10

Magic             3/10

Total                18/50

The story

There’s to be absolutely no beating around the bush here. The KFC in the Sello Shopping Centre in Espoo outside of Helsinki. It spits in the face of the Colonel and I can only assume that it has been set up as an elaborate ruse by Russian secret forces to try and demoralise the Finish population and somehow force them to rethink their membership of NATO and so allow Russia to re-establish the territory as a buffer zone. Either that or Espoo just means ‘it’s poo’ in Finish and the whole thing is a gag. 

We were in Finland as part of our KFC grand tour and had taken a stop in Finland to go to the Flow Festival in Central Helsinki. The country, the city, and the festival were all phenomenal. The people were straight forward and just the right about of friendly, the architecture was phenomenal, the landscape was uniquely Scandinavian, and the music was banging. Highlights of the festival included Jockstrap, Pusha T, Amyl and the Sniffers, Christine and the Queens, Kaytranada, and Blur. Highlights of the KFC included leaving. 

Waking up after day 2 of the festival, in an exquisite state of hangover (which the experienced reader will know to be an optimal condition to be eating KFC in), we navigated the train system to a suburban shopping centre, our hearts full of hope. Dear reader, please take this caution against the fried chicken franchise on face value and infer no ill will towards the city. The city I’d return to in a heartbeat. The KFC I yearn to never again have to eat. 

The order

As previously indicated, this review is being transcribed a little after the exact date of the visit to Sello Shopping Centre KFC, so some of the points of minute detail have been lost to time. I promise on scout’s honour that the judgment passed below is as accurate as a Utah version Lauri Markkanen

3 ball. 

In fairness to KFC Finland the menu was a little bit different to what you would usually see and the novelty was titillating. Unfortunately, the titillation didn’t translate to captivation. The only normal pieces of chicken on offer were drumsticks. While a drumstick is acceptable as an auxiliary piece, it doesn’t hold near the weight to be a centre piece. In my befuddled state I ordered 6 tenders, a chips, 4 camembert bites, a donut, and a pepsi. 

Divine the cost for yourself. 

Chicken –8/20

What an odd situation. Pieces of chicken on the bone are the absolute staple of any KFC and to have only drumsticks available is as bizarre as a heavy metal band in dinosaur costumes playing on a ferry crossing. Which we were also treated to. Where does the rest of the chicken go? Is there some superior fried chicken chain swooping it all up? Is it shipped over to NZ to cater to the needs of the mass of breast piece lovers? Is it paid in tribute to the dinosaurs to stop them from eating the children? Hard to say. 

As to my ordering 6 tenders after all of the shit that I’ve talked about them… it’s a sorry state of affairs. If I could have my time again I wouldn’t make the same decision but in my defence I was properly melted and not in a fit state to be making any decisions, let alone decisions of this magnitude. The tenders themselves had clearly come from a chicken. The bite felt like it had been poached rather than fried, and pieces of fibrous connecting tissue remained. To take a bite of one was to see the image float through your mind of an idyllic farmyard where a matronly woman sprinkles handfuls of organic corn to a brood each of which she addresses by name. This is not my preference. KFC chicken should feel like it was designed by a committee and created in a laboratory. 

Sides – 2/10

There was no gravy at all, not even a pale powdered concoction, nothing. This is deranged. The Colonel himself was famously disillusioned by what the KFC gravy became after he sold the franchise. I shudder to think what he’d have to say about it’s not being offered at all in Finland.

The chips were under-seasoned but otherwise approaching acceptability and the Pepsi was what it is. Both of the two points were scored here.

Camembert bites and donuts were both odd little additions to a gravy less menu. At the first bite of deep-fried cheese, I thought that we might be on to a winner, but when the taste of the cheese itself seeped through to the palate it was clear that we were not. The donut looked great but had the texture and taste of playdough. Which isn’t very nice. I’ve heard.  

Service – 5/10

The service was the highlight of the visit. The wee machine was straightforward to use and worked easily in English, and the staff were friendly and quick enough. They all looked too healthy to be dedicated to their craft though. 

Magic – 3/10

The combination of a proper hangover, a properly foreign destination, and a properly exotic menu was one that had the combination to spark off some wingardium leviosa levels of magic. The outcome was, however, all petrol and no matches. The experience was washed out and apathetic, and left me feeling the same. Touché Russia. Thank goodness that I still had a full day of music and beer to wash away the disappointment. Tyranny shall never prevail.  

Mingin or Finger lickin?

Mingin 😦